Thursday, January 29, 2009

Google Acquires Plaxo, LinkedIn, Facebook & MySpace

Mountainview, California—January 28, 2009

In a move sure to surprise markets tomorrow morning, Google® announced this afternoon that it has acquired the following companies:

• Plaxo®
• LinkedIn®
• Facebook®
• MySpace®

The four companies will be rolled into one to be known simply as Goo®. Google assures users that it will do all it can to make being a part of Goo a rewarding experience. Immediate changes that will take place include the following:

1. All users’ personal and professional information from all four services will be immediately cross-referenced, cross-indexed, “crawled,” and published to the web. Simply putting anyone’s name into Goo will immediately result in their home and work contact information, résumé, educational background, net worth, sexual preference, fetishes, kinks, and STD status.
2. “Status” updates need no longer be manually updated. Cell phones equipped with Goo software will automatically track your longitude and latitude to the closest square foot, allowing Google Earth to place your location online whether you are at work, at home, the gym, or elsewhere. Thanks to new Google Heat Signature software, Google Earth can now provide real-time images of your location and show where you are by tracking your body heat signature. Google warns users that this may not work if you are in the shower or making hot love to your honey. However, in conjunction with Goo’s new Personal IP® program, where users are implanted with their own RFID chip with a Personal IP, location status should be discernable even in the hottest background. Contrary to many rumors floating about, the RFID chip implantation will remain voluntary until students reach school age, at which point they will receive the chip along with their whooping cough vaccines.
3. “Friends” will now be automatically connected by any association whatsoever. Everyone in your high-school or college graduating class will automatically be your “friend.” That guy or girl you met on Match.com? Yep, you’re connected. That friendly teller at the bank? Yep, he’s your new best friend. And the cable guy would like you to join his rotisserie league. Best of all, Goo will be uploading nationwide adoption records, making that search for baby’s momma or daddy a simple point-and-click exercise.
4. Thanks to Goo Banking software, Direct Deposit has new meaning. All of your accounts will be immediately linked upon opening to all other accounts. And there’s no need to worry about budgeting or bill-paying ever again! Goo will do it for you. By automatically linking all of our accounts, money will flow freely from your employer’s bank to your bank to your credit card company, all without your intervention. Goo thanks the Federal Government for inspiring it in creating this service. After all, why should anyone want control over how his or her money is spent!
5. Photos will now automatically be updated to your account from your computer. No need to pick and choose. Goo will do it for you! Simply log on and Goo will seize control and locate every single .jpg file on your computer and upload them. Users who wish not to have their images posted are advised to turn off their computers, disconnect them from their internet connection, and cut the plug off the power cord.
6. Google has announced a new slogan for Goo: “Wherever you go, wherever you hide, we will find you.”™
7. The many applications developed for use with Facebook, LinkedIn and other services will now be rolled into a separate shopping site for such services, known as GooGoo. Google has paid a licensing fee to the GooGoo Dolls for use of their name in this product and will sponsor a worldwide tour for the band. The band’s new album and tour will tie into the new Goo slogan and is entitled simply, NO PRIVACY™.
8. With Goo, authors, song writers, filmmakers, and artists need no longer actually publish or release their work. Goo will automatically locate all manuscripts, artwork, photos, films, and other potentially copyrighted works on users’ computers, immediately uploading it to the public domain. As a part of the new GooWiki, users will be able to rewrite, redraw, revise, and comment on all such works, making them truly collaborative projects for which all can claim ownership.
9. Spinning from Google’s YouTube® division is the new GooYouVote, in which registered voters will be able to vote along with Congress on each and every bill offered for consideration, bringing true democracy to America. (Please note that an RFID chip and Personal IP are required to use GooYouVote.)
10. Last but not least, Goo has announced that it has acquired naming and branding rights to the Earth’s Moon, which henceforth will be known as “the Goon®”


(c)2009 by Andrew H. Zack

3 comments:

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

This is truly dystopian fiction at its best.

Nicely done, Andy. I'm going to have nightmares for weeks now.

Devon Ellington said...

You're going to turn me into a neo-luddite! ;)

Great post. It made me smile and cringe and the same time.

Krishnamurthy Thakur said...

Andy,
You just made the whole thing so real, I just did not question anything, till I realised, Oh,
I had to make few calls twice just to tell them what I had read was fiction.

Thanks for one of the greates post that I have read. I enjoyed the cap, the moment, this is what is great about language.

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